How would you define happiness?

I am a firm believer that if something doesn't make you happy, then you shouldn't do it.

Well apparently that is a pleasure seeker's notion...

Now I have a question, how do you define happiness?

Does it mean pleasure? Sure it does, pleasurable activities make us happy.

Does religion make us happy? Sure it does, you can set your mind at ease, there is something bigger than you in this universe and it helps soothe our fears. It's also a way to be part of a community that share similar values and ideals to you. The people that you see at the place you worship are people that you can relate to on some level. Knowing that you are not alone does make you happy.

Now, here is another question; would an easy life make you happy?
I don't know the answer to that, but I do think the following.
An easy life does not always mean you are happy. If everything always worked out the way we wanted it to every single day, life would be like a roller coaster that only goes up.
Where is the challenge and the ability to reach our potential? Lack of challenges will make us...Miserable.

Now, here's another thing. If I define happiness as a way of life and that certain actions will lead to happiness (basic idea from Greek philosophy and virtue ethics) It does not mean that everything I do will make me happy instantly. Another example, I hate going to the gym. The time I spend running on a treadmill is torture. It does not make me happy at that instant. Thankfully my body releases endorphins and I feel great afterwards. (It also has this awesome effect on my appearance and that boosts my confidence which makes me even happier)

Now that previous paragraph seems to contradict my opening statement and firm belief. Well maybe not... I didn't give a time limit, and I did not refer to a shallow version of happiness.

Happiness cannot always be derived from instant gratification. If we always succumb to what we want now, there is a great possibility that we will miss out on something more wonderful later on. (Patience grasshopper)

I don't understand one thing though. Why would you be stuck in a job that makes you miserable if you have the option to change it? Why would you want to be miserable if you can change any of your circumstances? To be a martyr? Surely not. Are you going to waste this ONE life that you have on things that make you so hollow and miserable... Let me tell you, if you are, I think you are wasting your life away. If you only had one day left on this planet, would you spend that day doing all the things that make you feel wretched?

I am not saying that you should be irresponsible and there are some things that we all need to do that aren't going to make us happy all the time, but I feel that we have become so rooted in one place that we forget that maybe life has more to it than doing what we have to. There are people out there who discover their talents and potential and that makes them happy. I want to be like that, I want to be so happy that people around me become happy.


http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/happiness

Oh and I know this is probably ridiculous, but the seen and heard section gives you a good idea what happiness means to others. (Thanks to the person who made me want to write this. Your view of how I define happiness gave me an insight to the human psyche)

This is probably a can of worms, sorry if I offended you- you must be married and in your twenties.

"Your 20's are your selfish years. It's a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little and never touch the ground" - Kyoko Escamilla

Damn straight. Now that is what I am doing. I tried to settle down and I couldn't. I am not ready for any of it. I want to explore without having to think that I have a husband and a child that need me to be around.

I want to tell stories. I want to have a collection of photographs that show what I have seen and I want to be able to say that I have met people who are entirely different to what I would be exposed to if I stayed at home. I want to be able to say that it's possible to be nomadic, and enjoy it in this world that seems to demand stability.

So I do think that someone who is on the other end of the scale might read this and call me bitter. (Go ahead, really) I'm not bitter at all, I just know that if we had to swap places... I would not be as happy as you.
 I also know that I have friends who are in a similar position as me and we seem to feel a bit isolated at times, because we seem to be the outliers. Let me tell you, being an outlier isn't a bad thing at all. I have had the time of my life when I was forced to be an outlier and now I don't really want to be part of the group anymore.
When you notice that everyone around you is getting engaged, married and having kids and you're not there yet... Just remember, you have the time to do those things that you can only do in your twenties before real responsibility kicks in and we have to be all grown up.

Sorry

I can't seem to write anything that isn't filled with a hint of melancholy and weak philosophical reasoning.

Happy 2013!

I will be back posting as soon as I'm done being introspective.

Questions lead to panic attacks... Seriously...

I've been asked so many questions in the past few weeks and since I rarely use my brain to its full potential, I have no idea how to answer them.

Every time someone asks me a question, I keep on thinking the following "How am I going to answer this without sounding like a) a geek b) really dumb c) a bit crazy d) all of the above?"

I swear it's mini panic attacks like these that make me think that I don't interact with people enough. This leads to another panic attack. I start to think that I should interact with people more, but they might want to hug me or touch my hand or heavens forbid my face and then I am  going to die from some weird disease, because I'm immunocompromised since I fell in love with hand sanitizer.

It's a vicious cycle and then the person who asked me the question can see from my facial expressions that something strange is going on and then... Well it leads to more questions and they probably think that I'm a bit strange anyway.

 I just can't seem to win.

Thankfully I haven't developed a weird twitch yet. That would be really awkward to explain.

I did go work out, but it became incredibly strange... Oh well...

Hallelujah, I can use my laptop again, it probably heard me when I threatened to replace it with something new and shiny...

I decided to go work out after a whole whopping two months of being lazy sick, working my butt off and exams. I'm hurting and I can't lift my arms, so I guess I had a good work out.
I think if you spend enough time at the gym, you always end up seeing the same people after  a while. This was the case the last time I worked out. I would see the same guy every day and we would always greet each other by nodding or if it's early in the morning I would just grunt and stumble towards the closest treadmill.
At first I found this camaraderie a bit unnerving. I would start my work out looking relatively decent and then become a huffing, puffing, red faced, frizzy haired, sweaty mess and he would just... have glistening, well toned, buff muslces. It's all pretty distracting.
Somehow I adjusted to the weirdness of it all and found it comforting to see a familiar face at the gym, even if we don't talk, we have some form of a bond (or I would like to think that)

Today he broke the rule. Hew spoke to me. I thought that I was going to die. What happened to the casual nod that acknowledges my presence? He had to announce to everyone that he hasn't seen me around in a while and is glad that I am back. All of this made me so nervous that I couldn't stop giggling and I tripped over an untied shoelace. I don't even think I even uttered a coherent sentence.
 Seriously, if anyone wants to know why I am still single, the above mentioned is exactly why.

I will go work out again tomorrow and if anyone does talk to me, I will hopefully be able to string a few words together.

Yes, exams are over and it emphasizes that I have no life...

Here's to my computer being useless... I can't seem to update my blog from it, so I have to use my iPad with its shitty autocorrect. Ugh. Curse you gods of technology...

I have successfully survived exams and I'm possibly suffering from post exam blues, which suck. What did I do Before the horror that is exams? I am apparently incapable of keeping myself preoccupied. All I could think of is to completely geek out and start reading... I finished a game of thrones and after being haunted by dragons and weird inbred, murderous kings in my dreams I am now looking for a more social pastime...

I might just have to buy a cat, but they plot the murder of their owners constantly...

I have no idea what I'm saying...

Happy holidays everyone we survived black Friday! Remember to take your vows of poverty after buying a whole bunch of needless items just because it was on sale!

Thank you...

Its all a bit crazy right now. I'm trying to find sanity and tranquility and all I can think of is that it's the last thing I will find in this mad, crazy world.

Some days I wish I had a calmer spirit and a heart that wasn't bound to my sleeve.
I might be mistaken, but drowning in raw emotions is obviously not the best way to go about things.
Sometimes I think that being too real and being too transparent is what makes me seek solitude.
In my own little world where no one can judge what I feel, how I express myself and how badly I sing.

I always thought that life was easy and uncomplicated. That is, until I realized how bizarre my little world is to everyone else. I left my little world for the past eight months and I lived behind a brick wall that closed me off from everyone.  I'm slowly but surely moving back, brick by brick.
In my world we're all honest and we say how we feel and we dance when the music is good. We drink tea and live for more books and we cry when we watch sad,soppy romantic movies. We express our love for life and we appreciate people for who they are, not for what they have. I guess my world is a bit naive, but it's a place where it's okay to have flaws, scars and broken hearts. It's better to have learnt those lessons than to be sheltered from feeling anything good or bad. It's a world where the risk of loving is worth more than not having loved at all. Every shattered piece of  a mangled heart might be more vulnerable  than a whole heart that has never felt the ecstasy of love, but it also has more compassion.

I want to make it a goal of  to tell people how much I appreciate them, not everyone gets to feel appreciated often enough. I want to give more hugs (as soon as I get over my dislike of being touched by strangers) I want to see more smiles and I want to feel happiness radiate from every pore in my being.
I want to tell everyone important in my life that I love them, I want to do it on a daily basis.
I want a life  without limits and I want a heart without limits. I want to give all that I can and feel all that I can. I want to be a ray of sunshine and I want to give hope.

Actually... All I want is to give everyone in my life a reason to smile, especially since they have given me the most precious gift they possibly could.  They love me, my scars, bruises, flaws and imperfections.  They have accepted me as I am and held my hand in the times that I could barely function as a person. They have helped me heal and they still wipe away my tears when I'm having a bad day (which is happening less often)

Thank you everyone who has helped me pick up the pieces of a very broken heart. I'm sorry if some of you got cut along with me in the process, I really appreciate it and I love all of you dearly for giving me a reason to smile and to be as whole as I possibly can be.

Blossom

No one remains whole in this mad world. All we can do is give as much love with the shattered pieces as we possibly can.

Life moves too fast to not take some chances.
I will have to remind myself to think of one of my favorite quotes this week.
"And the day came when the risk to remain in a tight bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" - Anais Nin

I guess now would be the time to blossom, I can't remain closed off in my little world forever.

I'm still alive...

I just can't seem to get myself to write anything.
All I can do for now is breathe...

How about I have ADD and leave my heart out of this...

So I saw this quote by Henri Frederic Amiel. (Apparently, we all know you can't trust the internet much)

"If you want to know where your heart is, look at where your mind goes when it wanders" 

Okay, so I thought about it and this is it. 

Am I listening to Mozart or Schubert right now? (Don't judge me)
Will these sleeping pills work?
Wonder if I should go make popcorn.
I should have bought Nutella.
Run.
Oh my, pretty shoes.
I want a monkey thought translator, a monkey named Steve and a secret lab. I have to stop watching Cloudy with a chance of meatballs...
Wonder what my dogs would tell me if I had a dog thought translator
Oh look, texts from my dog.
Wow, Freud doesn't seem like such a nice person.
My throat hurts, wonder what disease is killing me according to Google. 
Skinner wasn't a nice person either... 
People are weird... 

SO what the hell does that say about where my heart goes?
ADD, that's what it says.

It this really real?!

This annoys me...

Okay, now here is why this gets on my nerves.

I am addicted to Pinterest and I have been seeing this image all the time. One comment that got to me was the following "These are all beautiful women, but I'd rather look like a beautiful, curvy vase than a stiff, little popsicle stick"

Really? C'mon people play nice. Not everyone can look like a Dove model and I'm not going to insult them because I cannot look like a model for REAL beauty. 

To be honest, I am annoyed with Dove as well. Where is the diversity? These women all have a similar body shape, there is only one short woman, and why do they all look more or less the same age? This isn't real either, it's a marketing scheme like ALL adverts. They chose women who have the most identifiable body type that are probably in the age category that correlates with the majority of Dove product users.

The models in the VS campaign all have personal trainers and work really hard to maintain their bodies. They might not represent most women, but there are women who can identify with them.  

Beauty comes in ALL shapes and sizes, so love yourself and don't be mean to someone who doesn't fit your idea of real beauty. 

My goodness, the world does really seem like a shallow pool this week. 

Finally...

It's weekend.

I have so many things that I "should" be doing.

I just need a minute to regroup. 

I'm changing so rapidly that I can't even keep up. It's not a bad thing, it's absolutely wonderful.

For now, I will have another cup of tea, read another book, write another poem and live the life I imagined.

I can finally say that I am okay...

Yup, my life is complicated...

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

Blue October will be in NYC in... October and I can't decide if I want to go watch them perform or rather go to Comic con.

I could possibly just go to both events or pretend that I never knew about it and buy shoes.

Comic con, Blue October or these Louboutins?

Such a tough decision...

Oh, so that's why... Now I understand...

I read an article a few days ago, which apparently explains my current situation.
Why you're not married Go read it... It explains EVERYTHING... [insert sarcasm here]


Apparently I am angry, shallow, a liar, selfish and not good enough. 


If a guy treats me badly or is rude I'm suppose to wiggle my butt, bat my eyelashes and keep my mouth shut? Seriously... Also I don't think that a man with character won't be so insecure to not be able to deal with a few bitchy rants words. (Just my logic, you either have character and a backbone or... I'm going to walk all over you)

Now the shallow part. It's okay for men to want Kim Kardashian because she's nice?! Yes, I'm sure of it that her niceness is what makes her so popular, that must be it for sure.
The lying part is probably denial... Who knows.

I am selfish, why not? I am going to live my life, that's what it's there for.
I also feel that the term "selfish" is used instead of ambitious. Now also, if I'm body conscious it makes me selfish. If I need to be like Kim, in order to find a man who will want to marry me, I am going to think about how big my butt looks and how I do need to work out...

Last but not least. Not being good enough. Really? I honestly think that everyone has insecurities, but blatantly saying that I think I'm not good enough is just ridiculous...
Bitch please, I'm fabulous.

This whole article had me in a fit of giggles to be honest, until I read through the comments. Many people agree, men and women.
Now I have one question, is this valid advice? My conclusion is that if I want to be married, I should have low standards, not focus on a career, make sure I'm nice like Kim and then I will meet someone.
Okay, great, just one problem. the poor guy will one day wake up and realize that he married a lie, (so much for not being a liar) someone who has no personality (shame poor little guy cannot be made more insecure) and absolutely very little ambition, hopes, goals and dreams (sounds clingy to me)


Oh, plus Mrs. McMillan has been married three times. It seems as if her advice doesn't work so well in the long run. 


Here's what I think. I am not going to depend on someone just because he will feel insecure if I don't. If I am going to get married, it would be to someone according to not only character, but physical attraction as well (it's called survival of the fittest and I am going to make sure that my theoretical offspring get the best genes possible)
Oh and that thing called love, I guess it's important to like someone enough to be able to share a life with them and not consider/act on the urge to murder him in his sleep.


Oh my... I think I will just have to go burn some bra's, demand equality,  think like a lady, act like a man and work like a boss.

it's July... Already?!

I think July is going to be good to me... I mean; I know July is going to be good to me.

I just love the summer in the city, the heatwave reminds me of the places that I've been and makes me think of the places I want and still need to see.

Yes, I am suffering from wanderlust and I'm pretty much gloating discreetly (as soon as I succeed in wiping this smirk of my face)

Indeed July is going to be awesome. 

More good vibes...

More love, more kindness, more happiness, more work, more time, more sleep, more tea, more books, more sunshine, more ice cream, more laughs, more flowers, more jokes, more giggles, more hugs, more kisses, more joy, more drawings, more photos, more sunrises, more late night silly conversations, more colors, more music...

I definitely want it all...
Wonder if 24 hours in a day would be enough to get all if this "moreness"?

It must all sound pretty naive, but I actually don't care, I'm all sunshine and daisies right now. Ignorance is incredibly bliss.

Music and color

If I wrote you a song, it would contain a rainbow.

A rainbow you created, 

Octaves and chords, the colors it could show, 

Bridges and pauses of  fleeting beauty reflected

Memories, melody and moments all entwined 

Capturing us in a song,

A fleeting moment, a glance, a gesture; the chords of  a life for which we long

A moment in time becomes our lullaby, our song.

If only I could write our lullaby, but the notes all seem wrong

The soothing tones all seem to be gone

Black and white like these keys, 

Stark and severe, nothing is ever as it seems.

They just multiplied... Like rabbits...Silly rabbits

My shoes multiplied... I seriously didn't know that I brought so many shoes to the USA.
My biggest bag isn't big enough to contain such beauty and wonder! I only bought two pairs since I've been here, which I personally think is a HUGE achievement.

Since I apparently also have more  handbags and clothes than I assumed, I need a few strong guys to help me move. Any volunteers? I will uh, reward you...

So much for being a strong independent woman...

Do you have chloroform??

I need to stop being so paranoid, not everyone carries a bottle of chloroform with them...Right?

So I've been apartment hunting... Nasty business in this city. I hate it.

I was suppose to look at a place today, but then my paranoia kicked in and I completely chickened out. I kept on thinking what an easy target I am.

I step into the building, one person distracts me with candy and another sneaks up behind me with a cloth soaked in chloroform and after a few hours I wake up in a bath tub of ice and some missing organs. (It's usually a kidney, but you never know when they would take half of my liver) 

Ugh, I don't know if I should blame it on all the weird movies I've been watching, the fact that I'm South African or that I just don't trust people in general... (Post for another day)

Maybe I should have a set of questions that should be answered.

1. Can you name one use for chloroform?

2. Do you know how to sell organs on the black market?

3. Will you be offended if I bring a black light along to look for body fluids?

4. Do you have any fetishes that are frowned upon?

5. Do you know anything about security surveillance, hidden cameras and bugging?

I'm stopping there, this is freaking me out more...

Perspective...

The day will come when all of this makes sense...
I guess that life has many twists and turns and sometimes fighting to survive is just a way to prove that we're alive.

Yes, I am alive and healthy, so why am I sad? I've seen so many cancer patients in the past week fighting to survive and here I am, alive and ungrateful.

I'm not starving. Why am I upset? I actually eat too much and it's not always healthy and so many others have nothing and the little that they do have, needs to be shared with many in order to survive.

I can read. Why am I being miserable? I have the opportunity to learn and escape in a world of literature, where others can't even write their own names.

I have a wardrobe filled with useless clothing. Why do I think I have nothing to wear?
Someone else would give anything to just have another shirt or maybe a pair of shoes.

I think I'm alone. What rubbish. My support system is just a message or a phone call away... I'm not alone, I haven't lost my parents and siblings, we're a complete family. How many people can say that in a war and disease riddled country?

I'm complaining about the dark that I think I'm in... I just forgot to look at the stars...