Its all a bit crazy right now. I'm trying to find sanity and tranquility and all I can think of is that it's the last thing I will find in this mad, crazy world.
Some days I wish I had a calmer spirit and a heart that wasn't bound to my sleeve.
I might be mistaken, but drowning in raw emotions is obviously not the best way to go about things.
Sometimes I think that being too real and being too transparent is what makes me seek solitude.
In my own little world where no one can judge what I feel, how I express myself and how badly I sing.
I always thought that life was easy and uncomplicated. That is, until I realized how bizarre my little world is to everyone else. I left my little world for the past eight months and I lived behind a brick wall that closed me off from everyone. I'm slowly but surely moving back, brick by brick.
In my world we're all honest and we say how we feel and we dance when the music is good. We drink tea and live for more books and we cry when we watch sad,soppy romantic movies. We express our love for life and we appreciate people for who they are, not for what they have. I guess my world is a bit naive, but it's a place where it's okay to have flaws, scars and broken hearts. It's better to have learnt those lessons than to be sheltered from feeling anything good or bad. It's a world where the risk of loving is worth more than not having loved at all. Every shattered piece of a mangled heart might be more vulnerable than a whole heart that has never felt the ecstasy of love, but it also has more compassion.
I want to make it a goal of to tell people how much I appreciate them, not everyone gets to feel appreciated often enough. I want to give more hugs (as soon as I get over my dislike of being touched by strangers) I want to see more smiles and I want to feel happiness radiate from every pore in my being.
I want to tell everyone important in my life that I love them, I want to do it on a daily basis.
I want a life without limits and I want a heart without limits. I want to give all that I can and feel all that I can. I want to be a ray of sunshine and I want to give hope.
Actually... All I want is to give everyone in my life a reason to smile, especially since they have given me the most precious gift they possibly could. They love me, my scars, bruises, flaws and imperfections. They have accepted me as I am and held my hand in the times that I could barely function as a person. They have helped me heal and they still wipe away my tears when I'm having a bad day (which is happening less often)
Thank you everyone who has helped me pick up the pieces of a very broken heart. I'm sorry if some of you got cut along with me in the process, I really appreciate it and I love all of you dearly for giving me a reason to smile and to be as whole as I possibly can be.
I imagine that being scrutinised every time you go onto catwalk (and people don't just look at the clothing you are showing) and, like you have mentioned yourself in past posts, when people gawk at the lithe lady walking down the street, that those are probably reasons why you would want to retreat into yourself.
ReplyDeleteBeing under constant scrutiny and criticism is not good for one's health or mind.
Before I joined the unmentionable-company's-name about 12yrs ago, I had a seven month break, due to unforeseen reasons (ok, I got shafted at a previous employer) and it was the best thing I had happen to me in a long time.
I was able to do my own thing, whenever I wanted to. I learned how to sail and subsequently sailed a brand new yacht from Durban to Zanzibar (of all places).
It was an unforgettable experience, but most of all, it helped me find a type of inner peace. Yeah, I know it sounds corny, but when your girlfriend (of the time) picks you up at the airport on your return and tells you "you have that sparkle back in your eyes", you know you are in a good place.
Since joining the unmentionable-company's-name, however, I have felt under scrutiny for the last 12yrs, more and more as time has gone on, and I think I've lost some of that "sparkle" as I have seen myself retreating into solitary activities such as fishing, cycling, internet time, and so on.
It's very difficult to keep that "sparkle in your eyes", but one has to keep on trying otherwise one will lose it forever. Don't try too hard to find your "sanity" as that alone could drive you insane.
Take care of yourself...
Funny thing is, I'm okay with rejection and criticism that's work related, but on a personal level it affects me much more. I think there's only so much one person can take at a time.
ReplyDeleteI'm working on that sparkle.... It's coming back... Otherwise I might have to sail to Zanzibar ;)
Thank you, I needed to hear/ read that :)
Personally, I think any criticism (personal or work-related) does affect us all in one way or another.
ReplyDeleteWork-related will affect us as it may lead to loss of a job if we don't change/improve something, which in turn will lead to personal effect.
The reverse could also be the case as personal criticism could play on one's mind so much that work performance becomes affected as a result.
In a worst case scenario, denial of any piece of the puzzle may just make it all worse, and one has to examine each individual piece of criticism and either act on it (for the betterment of yourself) or disregard it as drivel.
Go to it...find your personal Zanzibar... ;-)
Touch someone - hug your room mate / co-worker.... smile!
ReplyDeleteSalagatle!
Wreckless, I gave someone a hug yesterday! I smile on a daily basis, I have the best support system anyone could ask for!
ReplyDelete