10 days...

I have 10 days left before it's  time for a mass explosion of excuses for my current behavior of weirdness, experimentation and chaos in general.

10 damn days until I am 25  old enough to know better.
So what will I be doing that day? Good question, unless it's getting seriously happy about the fact that I have succeeded in living this long, hiding and disappearing off the grid sounds like a good idea as well. Not that it will be likely, I can only imagine that the chaos will only continue to become more chaotic.

After a huge internal monologue, assessing options and just being me in general, I have realized what I want in life. I'm also too scared to go out and get it.

I have also come to the conclusion that I am a bigger coward than what I at first thought. It's horrible how self criticism makes you realize this.
So now is my time to shine, to be daring, to make (even more) mistakes and to probably get rid of that wall that I built around my heart. Enough is enough.

I have lived in the shadows for long enough and I have been provoked for long enough as well. Funny how someone would want you out of their lives but turn back and try to hurt/provoke/amuse you. Thank you for the amusement factor, I enjoy it, but once again, enough is enough. (you didn't succeed in the other two, you just annoyed me and made for a good giggle)

10 days is what I have left... 10 days of being stupid, young and irresponsible. Or  rather 10 days to catch up on all the times that I have not been young stupid and irresponsible.

The next 10 days are going to feel like seconds anyway at this rate, so Cutting Jade's 10 seconds is very appropriate...

Yes, I do have ADD, what gave it away???

Some days I think it's good to ramble on about meaningless things, or turning things that are meaningful into a bit of a joke...
Like my life at the moment. Incredibly meaningful, trying and fulfilling, but also one big damn joke, cliche, contradiction. Call it whatever you like.

The past two weeks, I have attempted to isolate myself. This in itself is one huge joke as I still don't shut up and talk to anything that moves on a daily basis.
What I have done though is watch a whole bunch of movies, read books until the morning hours and eat my whole supply of emergency-the zombies are here- candy.
At this rate I won't even get to see/kill/join the zombies as I probably have diabetes type II. *opens third box of milk duds*

I lost track of what I wanted to write. It was incredibly important and mind boggling.
Had something to do with time not existing, yet still being able to believe in the future.
Whatever, it was...

Is probably not that useful, so what I will say is: Everything is relative. ( Einstein moment?)

Oh me oh my...

I am such an idiot.
Yesterday I decided that I should get rid of my comfort zone...Again.
My big, bright, clever idea just screwed me over. *shaking my fist at the universe while uttering profanities*

Last time I said this (last year April) I was so busy, so stressed and all over the place and... actually had the time of my life. After looking back at all of this, I decided to get rid of my comfort zone again. I've created a pretty nice, safe little routine for myself and as much as what I liked it, I miss discovering new things.

Well the universe heard this yesterday and decided to rip my comfort away in a good 15 minutes... I just got thrown into the deep end of the freaking shark pool... Nice...

Here's to life, here's to stress and here's to being freaked out and traumatized for the next few months.

Oh by the way universe, one good thing should happen now, I'm slightly tired of the challenges...

Like crystal

Fragile like crystal. 

Hidden in the dark, unseen, forgotten, unnoticed

Left to become dull.

Unappreciated

Delicate like crystal, 

Looked at, but not held, 

Thought of, but never displayed

Left to gather dust

Frangible unlike crystal, 

Strength in fineness

Wishing for the light to be cast, 

Hoping to sparkle, cast beauty and enchant.

Random photon, angry photon, lost photon...

I have too much on my mind... As soon as my thoughts are structured, I will write something worthy of reading. 

But for now, I will be random.

No one should ever make you feel as if you're second best.

Believe in second chances, but not more than that... Second chances are sometimes like offering someone another bullet for their gun, because they missed you the first time.

When you see through someone's lies. Walk away.

Sometimes an outsider has a better perspective of the situation you're in. Take the time to listen to them.

Nothing hurts more than someone shattering your ego.

Sound a bit angry?

 Oops, I'm sorry, I have recently realized that I'm not my usual self  because I have allowed people to walk all over me and to make me feel horrible. I don't deserve it. Just because I am kind and caring, doesn't mean that I should be mistreated. I am sick of it and no more rubbish  bull shit will be tolerated. Every time someone's mean to me, I end up building another wall around my emotions that separate me from others even more.

 At this rate I will be a complete outsider incapable of showing any affection towards anyone.

I am not an object just because I am pretty. 

Just because I'm good at hiding my impatience most of the time, doesn't mean that I will wait around for everyone to get their act together. 

Speaking of getting acts together. How is it that people seem to be confused in life and don't know what they want or what they want to do? 

And when they do know what they want, why don't they pursue it? 

Conclusion of all this useless rambling:  I am living my life and I will not let anyone take my sunshine away, I should be able to hand out photons like candy.

Don't ask...

Halfway with exams and one month from celebrating my quarter life crisis!!!
Here's to my last few subjects and the worst ones being over thankfully...
Happy days summer days ahead!

Okay... Back to studying..

I think I'm dying...

Are there any weird outbreaks of some dangerous disease occurring in NYC that I don't know about? If it's not known yet, I swear that I'm the first to have it. I cannot remember feeling this horrible and disgusting in forever...

I'm so damn sick and I have exams to write... Maybe I should go to the closest hospital and ask them to put me in quarantine, just in case I have a new version of some super bug that could possibly kill the entire city's population. I am a walking health hazard (not that I'm really leaving my bed at the moment)

It could also be the beginning of phase I of the zombie apocalypse, because I can feel my mental capabilities diminishing as we speak. (It could also be the medication cocktail that I administered to myself, no better cocktail than a bunch of flu meds)

Any brave souls out there who would bring me ice cream, soup and chocolate?
I will provide a hazard suit and explain exactly how to decontaminate everything... Promise...