Sorry

I can't seem to write anything that isn't filled with a hint of melancholy and weak philosophical reasoning.

Happy 2013!

I will be back posting as soon as I'm done being introspective.

Questions lead to panic attacks... Seriously...

I've been asked so many questions in the past few weeks and since I rarely use my brain to its full potential, I have no idea how to answer them.

Every time someone asks me a question, I keep on thinking the following "How am I going to answer this without sounding like a) a geek b) really dumb c) a bit crazy d) all of the above?"

I swear it's mini panic attacks like these that make me think that I don't interact with people enough. This leads to another panic attack. I start to think that I should interact with people more, but they might want to hug me or touch my hand or heavens forbid my face and then I am  going to die from some weird disease, because I'm immunocompromised since I fell in love with hand sanitizer.

It's a vicious cycle and then the person who asked me the question can see from my facial expressions that something strange is going on and then... Well it leads to more questions and they probably think that I'm a bit strange anyway.

 I just can't seem to win.

Thankfully I haven't developed a weird twitch yet. That would be really awkward to explain.

I did go work out, but it became incredibly strange... Oh well...

Hallelujah, I can use my laptop again, it probably heard me when I threatened to replace it with something new and shiny...

I decided to go work out after a whole whopping two months of being lazy sick, working my butt off and exams. I'm hurting and I can't lift my arms, so I guess I had a good work out.
I think if you spend enough time at the gym, you always end up seeing the same people after  a while. This was the case the last time I worked out. I would see the same guy every day and we would always greet each other by nodding or if it's early in the morning I would just grunt and stumble towards the closest treadmill.
At first I found this camaraderie a bit unnerving. I would start my work out looking relatively decent and then become a huffing, puffing, red faced, frizzy haired, sweaty mess and he would just... have glistening, well toned, buff muslces. It's all pretty distracting.
Somehow I adjusted to the weirdness of it all and found it comforting to see a familiar face at the gym, even if we don't talk, we have some form of a bond (or I would like to think that)

Today he broke the rule. Hew spoke to me. I thought that I was going to die. What happened to the casual nod that acknowledges my presence? He had to announce to everyone that he hasn't seen me around in a while and is glad that I am back. All of this made me so nervous that I couldn't stop giggling and I tripped over an untied shoelace. I don't even think I even uttered a coherent sentence.
 Seriously, if anyone wants to know why I am still single, the above mentioned is exactly why.

I will go work out again tomorrow and if anyone does talk to me, I will hopefully be able to string a few words together.

Yes, exams are over and it emphasizes that I have no life...

Here's to my computer being useless... I can't seem to update my blog from it, so I have to use my iPad with its shitty autocorrect. Ugh. Curse you gods of technology...

I have successfully survived exams and I'm possibly suffering from post exam blues, which suck. What did I do Before the horror that is exams? I am apparently incapable of keeping myself preoccupied. All I could think of is to completely geek out and start reading... I finished a game of thrones and after being haunted by dragons and weird inbred, murderous kings in my dreams I am now looking for a more social pastime...

I might just have to buy a cat, but they plot the murder of their owners constantly...

I have no idea what I'm saying...

Happy holidays everyone we survived black Friday! Remember to take your vows of poverty after buying a whole bunch of needless items just because it was on sale!

Thank you...

Its all a bit crazy right now. I'm trying to find sanity and tranquility and all I can think of is that it's the last thing I will find in this mad, crazy world.

Some days I wish I had a calmer spirit and a heart that wasn't bound to my sleeve.
I might be mistaken, but drowning in raw emotions is obviously not the best way to go about things.
Sometimes I think that being too real and being too transparent is what makes me seek solitude.
In my own little world where no one can judge what I feel, how I express myself and how badly I sing.

I always thought that life was easy and uncomplicated. That is, until I realized how bizarre my little world is to everyone else. I left my little world for the past eight months and I lived behind a brick wall that closed me off from everyone.  I'm slowly but surely moving back, brick by brick.
In my world we're all honest and we say how we feel and we dance when the music is good. We drink tea and live for more books and we cry when we watch sad,soppy romantic movies. We express our love for life and we appreciate people for who they are, not for what they have. I guess my world is a bit naive, but it's a place where it's okay to have flaws, scars and broken hearts. It's better to have learnt those lessons than to be sheltered from feeling anything good or bad. It's a world where the risk of loving is worth more than not having loved at all. Every shattered piece of  a mangled heart might be more vulnerable  than a whole heart that has never felt the ecstasy of love, but it also has more compassion.

I want to make it a goal of  to tell people how much I appreciate them, not everyone gets to feel appreciated often enough. I want to give more hugs (as soon as I get over my dislike of being touched by strangers) I want to see more smiles and I want to feel happiness radiate from every pore in my being.
I want to tell everyone important in my life that I love them, I want to do it on a daily basis.
I want a life  without limits and I want a heart without limits. I want to give all that I can and feel all that I can. I want to be a ray of sunshine and I want to give hope.

Actually... All I want is to give everyone in my life a reason to smile, especially since they have given me the most precious gift they possibly could.  They love me, my scars, bruises, flaws and imperfections.  They have accepted me as I am and held my hand in the times that I could barely function as a person. They have helped me heal and they still wipe away my tears when I'm having a bad day (which is happening less often)

Thank you everyone who has helped me pick up the pieces of a very broken heart. I'm sorry if some of you got cut along with me in the process, I really appreciate it and I love all of you dearly for giving me a reason to smile and to be as whole as I possibly can be.

Blossom

No one remains whole in this mad world. All we can do is give as much love with the shattered pieces as we possibly can.

Life moves too fast to not take some chances.
I will have to remind myself to think of one of my favorite quotes this week.
"And the day came when the risk to remain in a tight bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" - Anais Nin

I guess now would be the time to blossom, I can't remain closed off in my little world forever.

I'm still alive...

I just can't seem to get myself to write anything.
All I can do for now is breathe...

How about I have ADD and leave my heart out of this...

So I saw this quote by Henri Frederic Amiel. (Apparently, we all know you can't trust the internet much)

"If you want to know where your heart is, look at where your mind goes when it wanders" 

Okay, so I thought about it and this is it. 

Am I listening to Mozart or Schubert right now? (Don't judge me)
Will these sleeping pills work?
Wonder if I should go make popcorn.
I should have bought Nutella.
Run.
Oh my, pretty shoes.
I want a monkey thought translator, a monkey named Steve and a secret lab. I have to stop watching Cloudy with a chance of meatballs...
Wonder what my dogs would tell me if I had a dog thought translator
Oh look, texts from my dog.
Wow, Freud doesn't seem like such a nice person.
My throat hurts, wonder what disease is killing me according to Google. 
Skinner wasn't a nice person either... 
People are weird... 

SO what the hell does that say about where my heart goes?
ADD, that's what it says.

It this really real?!

This annoys me...

Okay, now here is why this gets on my nerves.

I am addicted to Pinterest and I have been seeing this image all the time. One comment that got to me was the following "These are all beautiful women, but I'd rather look like a beautiful, curvy vase than a stiff, little popsicle stick"

Really? C'mon people play nice. Not everyone can look like a Dove model and I'm not going to insult them because I cannot look like a model for REAL beauty. 

To be honest, I am annoyed with Dove as well. Where is the diversity? These women all have a similar body shape, there is only one short woman, and why do they all look more or less the same age? This isn't real either, it's a marketing scheme like ALL adverts. They chose women who have the most identifiable body type that are probably in the age category that correlates with the majority of Dove product users.

The models in the VS campaign all have personal trainers and work really hard to maintain their bodies. They might not represent most women, but there are women who can identify with them.  

Beauty comes in ALL shapes and sizes, so love yourself and don't be mean to someone who doesn't fit your idea of real beauty. 

My goodness, the world does really seem like a shallow pool this week. 

Finally...

It's weekend.

I have so many things that I "should" be doing.

I just need a minute to regroup. 

I'm changing so rapidly that I can't even keep up. It's not a bad thing, it's absolutely wonderful.

For now, I will have another cup of tea, read another book, write another poem and live the life I imagined.

I can finally say that I am okay...

Yup, my life is complicated...

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

Blue October will be in NYC in... October and I can't decide if I want to go watch them perform or rather go to Comic con.

I could possibly just go to both events or pretend that I never knew about it and buy shoes.

Comic con, Blue October or these Louboutins?

Such a tough decision...

Oh, so that's why... Now I understand...

I read an article a few days ago, which apparently explains my current situation.
Why you're not married Go read it... It explains EVERYTHING... [insert sarcasm here]


Apparently I am angry, shallow, a liar, selfish and not good enough. 


If a guy treats me badly or is rude I'm suppose to wiggle my butt, bat my eyelashes and keep my mouth shut? Seriously... Also I don't think that a man with character won't be so insecure to not be able to deal with a few bitchy rants words. (Just my logic, you either have character and a backbone or... I'm going to walk all over you)

Now the shallow part. It's okay for men to want Kim Kardashian because she's nice?! Yes, I'm sure of it that her niceness is what makes her so popular, that must be it for sure.
The lying part is probably denial... Who knows.

I am selfish, why not? I am going to live my life, that's what it's there for.
I also feel that the term "selfish" is used instead of ambitious. Now also, if I'm body conscious it makes me selfish. If I need to be like Kim, in order to find a man who will want to marry me, I am going to think about how big my butt looks and how I do need to work out...

Last but not least. Not being good enough. Really? I honestly think that everyone has insecurities, but blatantly saying that I think I'm not good enough is just ridiculous...
Bitch please, I'm fabulous.

This whole article had me in a fit of giggles to be honest, until I read through the comments. Many people agree, men and women.
Now I have one question, is this valid advice? My conclusion is that if I want to be married, I should have low standards, not focus on a career, make sure I'm nice like Kim and then I will meet someone.
Okay, great, just one problem. the poor guy will one day wake up and realize that he married a lie, (so much for not being a liar) someone who has no personality (shame poor little guy cannot be made more insecure) and absolutely very little ambition, hopes, goals and dreams (sounds clingy to me)


Oh, plus Mrs. McMillan has been married three times. It seems as if her advice doesn't work so well in the long run. 


Here's what I think. I am not going to depend on someone just because he will feel insecure if I don't. If I am going to get married, it would be to someone according to not only character, but physical attraction as well (it's called survival of the fittest and I am going to make sure that my theoretical offspring get the best genes possible)
Oh and that thing called love, I guess it's important to like someone enough to be able to share a life with them and not consider/act on the urge to murder him in his sleep.


Oh my... I think I will just have to go burn some bra's, demand equality,  think like a lady, act like a man and work like a boss.

it's July... Already?!

I think July is going to be good to me... I mean; I know July is going to be good to me.

I just love the summer in the city, the heatwave reminds me of the places that I've been and makes me think of the places I want and still need to see.

Yes, I am suffering from wanderlust and I'm pretty much gloating discreetly (as soon as I succeed in wiping this smirk of my face)

Indeed July is going to be awesome. 

More good vibes...

More love, more kindness, more happiness, more work, more time, more sleep, more tea, more books, more sunshine, more ice cream, more laughs, more flowers, more jokes, more giggles, more hugs, more kisses, more joy, more drawings, more photos, more sunrises, more late night silly conversations, more colors, more music...

I definitely want it all...
Wonder if 24 hours in a day would be enough to get all if this "moreness"?

It must all sound pretty naive, but I actually don't care, I'm all sunshine and daisies right now. Ignorance is incredibly bliss.

Music and color

If I wrote you a song, it would contain a rainbow.

A rainbow you created, 

Octaves and chords, the colors it could show, 

Bridges and pauses of  fleeting beauty reflected

Memories, melody and moments all entwined 

Capturing us in a song,

A fleeting moment, a glance, a gesture; the chords of  a life for which we long

A moment in time becomes our lullaby, our song.

If only I could write our lullaby, but the notes all seem wrong

The soothing tones all seem to be gone

Black and white like these keys, 

Stark and severe, nothing is ever as it seems.

They just multiplied... Like rabbits...Silly rabbits

My shoes multiplied... I seriously didn't know that I brought so many shoes to the USA.
My biggest bag isn't big enough to contain such beauty and wonder! I only bought two pairs since I've been here, which I personally think is a HUGE achievement.

Since I apparently also have more  handbags and clothes than I assumed, I need a few strong guys to help me move. Any volunteers? I will uh, reward you...

So much for being a strong independent woman...

Do you have chloroform??

I need to stop being so paranoid, not everyone carries a bottle of chloroform with them...Right?

So I've been apartment hunting... Nasty business in this city. I hate it.

I was suppose to look at a place today, but then my paranoia kicked in and I completely chickened out. I kept on thinking what an easy target I am.

I step into the building, one person distracts me with candy and another sneaks up behind me with a cloth soaked in chloroform and after a few hours I wake up in a bath tub of ice and some missing organs. (It's usually a kidney, but you never know when they would take half of my liver) 

Ugh, I don't know if I should blame it on all the weird movies I've been watching, the fact that I'm South African or that I just don't trust people in general... (Post for another day)

Maybe I should have a set of questions that should be answered.

1. Can you name one use for chloroform?

2. Do you know how to sell organs on the black market?

3. Will you be offended if I bring a black light along to look for body fluids?

4. Do you have any fetishes that are frowned upon?

5. Do you know anything about security surveillance, hidden cameras and bugging?

I'm stopping there, this is freaking me out more...

Perspective...

The day will come when all of this makes sense...
I guess that life has many twists and turns and sometimes fighting to survive is just a way to prove that we're alive.

Yes, I am alive and healthy, so why am I sad? I've seen so many cancer patients in the past week fighting to survive and here I am, alive and ungrateful.

I'm not starving. Why am I upset? I actually eat too much and it's not always healthy and so many others have nothing and the little that they do have, needs to be shared with many in order to survive.

I can read. Why am I being miserable? I have the opportunity to learn and escape in a world of literature, where others can't even write their own names.

I have a wardrobe filled with useless clothing. Why do I think I have nothing to wear?
Someone else would give anything to just have another shirt or maybe a pair of shoes.

I think I'm alone. What rubbish. My support system is just a message or a phone call away... I'm not alone, I haven't lost my parents and siblings, we're a complete family. How many people can say that in a war and disease riddled country?

I'm complaining about the dark that I think I'm in... I just forgot to look at the stars...

The moment before dawn...

There are no words,

Words cannot seem to express how I feel at the moment.
Moments of elation and twisted darkness are wrapped into one.
Confusion, clarity, wonder, love, anger... Spun into a fragile web of delusion.

 Light and dark.
The moment before dawn.

No real words, just another world.

       I live in...

             A fairytale...

                    Too far away...

                             For anyone to find...

10 days...

I have 10 days left before it's  time for a mass explosion of excuses for my current behavior of weirdness, experimentation and chaos in general.

10 damn days until I am 25  old enough to know better.
So what will I be doing that day? Good question, unless it's getting seriously happy about the fact that I have succeeded in living this long, hiding and disappearing off the grid sounds like a good idea as well. Not that it will be likely, I can only imagine that the chaos will only continue to become more chaotic.

After a huge internal monologue, assessing options and just being me in general, I have realized what I want in life. I'm also too scared to go out and get it.

I have also come to the conclusion that I am a bigger coward than what I at first thought. It's horrible how self criticism makes you realize this.
So now is my time to shine, to be daring, to make (even more) mistakes and to probably get rid of that wall that I built around my heart. Enough is enough.

I have lived in the shadows for long enough and I have been provoked for long enough as well. Funny how someone would want you out of their lives but turn back and try to hurt/provoke/amuse you. Thank you for the amusement factor, I enjoy it, but once again, enough is enough. (you didn't succeed in the other two, you just annoyed me and made for a good giggle)

10 days is what I have left... 10 days of being stupid, young and irresponsible. Or  rather 10 days to catch up on all the times that I have not been young stupid and irresponsible.

The next 10 days are going to feel like seconds anyway at this rate, so Cutting Jade's 10 seconds is very appropriate...

Yes, I do have ADD, what gave it away???

Some days I think it's good to ramble on about meaningless things, or turning things that are meaningful into a bit of a joke...
Like my life at the moment. Incredibly meaningful, trying and fulfilling, but also one big damn joke, cliche, contradiction. Call it whatever you like.

The past two weeks, I have attempted to isolate myself. This in itself is one huge joke as I still don't shut up and talk to anything that moves on a daily basis.
What I have done though is watch a whole bunch of movies, read books until the morning hours and eat my whole supply of emergency-the zombies are here- candy.
At this rate I won't even get to see/kill/join the zombies as I probably have diabetes type II. *opens third box of milk duds*

I lost track of what I wanted to write. It was incredibly important and mind boggling.
Had something to do with time not existing, yet still being able to believe in the future.
Whatever, it was...

Is probably not that useful, so what I will say is: Everything is relative. ( Einstein moment?)

Oh me oh my...

I am such an idiot.
Yesterday I decided that I should get rid of my comfort zone...Again.
My big, bright, clever idea just screwed me over. *shaking my fist at the universe while uttering profanities*

Last time I said this (last year April) I was so busy, so stressed and all over the place and... actually had the time of my life. After looking back at all of this, I decided to get rid of my comfort zone again. I've created a pretty nice, safe little routine for myself and as much as what I liked it, I miss discovering new things.

Well the universe heard this yesterday and decided to rip my comfort away in a good 15 minutes... I just got thrown into the deep end of the freaking shark pool... Nice...

Here's to life, here's to stress and here's to being freaked out and traumatized for the next few months.

Oh by the way universe, one good thing should happen now, I'm slightly tired of the challenges...

Like crystal

Fragile like crystal. 

Hidden in the dark, unseen, forgotten, unnoticed

Left to become dull.

Unappreciated

Delicate like crystal, 

Looked at, but not held, 

Thought of, but never displayed

Left to gather dust

Frangible unlike crystal, 

Strength in fineness

Wishing for the light to be cast, 

Hoping to sparkle, cast beauty and enchant.

Random photon, angry photon, lost photon...

I have too much on my mind... As soon as my thoughts are structured, I will write something worthy of reading. 

But for now, I will be random.

No one should ever make you feel as if you're second best.

Believe in second chances, but not more than that... Second chances are sometimes like offering someone another bullet for their gun, because they missed you the first time.

When you see through someone's lies. Walk away.

Sometimes an outsider has a better perspective of the situation you're in. Take the time to listen to them.

Nothing hurts more than someone shattering your ego.

Sound a bit angry?

 Oops, I'm sorry, I have recently realized that I'm not my usual self  because I have allowed people to walk all over me and to make me feel horrible. I don't deserve it. Just because I am kind and caring, doesn't mean that I should be mistreated. I am sick of it and no more rubbish  bull shit will be tolerated. Every time someone's mean to me, I end up building another wall around my emotions that separate me from others even more.

 At this rate I will be a complete outsider incapable of showing any affection towards anyone.

I am not an object just because I am pretty. 

Just because I'm good at hiding my impatience most of the time, doesn't mean that I will wait around for everyone to get their act together. 

Speaking of getting acts together. How is it that people seem to be confused in life and don't know what they want or what they want to do? 

And when they do know what they want, why don't they pursue it? 

Conclusion of all this useless rambling:  I am living my life and I will not let anyone take my sunshine away, I should be able to hand out photons like candy.

Don't ask...

Halfway with exams and one month from celebrating my quarter life crisis!!!
Here's to my last few subjects and the worst ones being over thankfully...
Happy days summer days ahead!

Okay... Back to studying..

I think I'm dying...

Are there any weird outbreaks of some dangerous disease occurring in NYC that I don't know about? If it's not known yet, I swear that I'm the first to have it. I cannot remember feeling this horrible and disgusting in forever...

I'm so damn sick and I have exams to write... Maybe I should go to the closest hospital and ask them to put me in quarantine, just in case I have a new version of some super bug that could possibly kill the entire city's population. I am a walking health hazard (not that I'm really leaving my bed at the moment)

It could also be the beginning of phase I of the zombie apocalypse, because I can feel my mental capabilities diminishing as we speak. (It could also be the medication cocktail that I administered to myself, no better cocktail than a bunch of flu meds)

Any brave souls out there who would bring me ice cream, soup and chocolate?
I will provide a hazard suit and explain exactly how to decontaminate everything... Promise...

I found this on my FB profile and I'm seriously confused as to why it's not on here...

I am in this world, but not part of it, in other words, I live in this world, but I do not always partake in it’s needless activities,

I live for today, I dream for tomorrow, but I do not glance back over my shoulder to what I have left behind.

I revel in a new day, every day, today.

The deeds of yesterday might have brought me where I am today, but it does not hold me back

I sing the songs of hope in my heart. I let my heart guide me, but not without clarity of mind

I consider my actions and try to speak kind words, gentle words, have a bigger impact than shouting.

I try to shine every day, even a small flame can give light in the darkness

I would like to be a star in someone’s heaven, not famous, but a guiding light. A loving little light to give hope to those in need.

Love and humilty is something  I need more of. Love to give to all and humility to accept others for who they are, no matter what my previous achivements are that for some reason could elevate me above anyone else.

I create my life with every choice that I make. Some days it seems that there are no right or wrong choices, only options to do the best that I can do under circumstances.

I refuse to give up, giving up hope is the worst thing to do when things get tough, 

Tough times shape people, I don’t like the hard life either, but it surely does make me appreciate the person I have become.  I feel more content knowing that I survived a tough day, instead of knowing I can live an easy life.  Tough times come and go, but character lasts forever, same thing with beauty.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder as shallow as that may sound, it might not be so, since outer beauty should not be considered as a measure of how wonderful a person can be.

Courage comes in many forms, so does intelligence, calling anyone a coward or stupid, does not make you sound better, it does the complete opposite. 

Wisdom and age do not go hand in hand. a young person can also have the ability to change the world.

Be childlike, a child has faith and hope and is so sure of  the world, uncluttered minds have the biggest chances of making an impact.

Time is precious, do not waste it on finding yourself, develop yourself,.

Everyone has the potential to reach their dreams, but might lack the drive to do so.

Be curious, curiousity is the spice of life.

Dream and dream big, but do not let it overtake reality.

The world is my playground, but I make the rules.

Living within those rules, could either be a challenge or a breeze, it’s all about perspecitve.

Accepting others could also be a challenge, but it should not stand in the way of friendship.

You’re never to old to make new friends or see new places.

The exam insanity is starting...

I had to phone my invigilator today to find out if my exam papers have arrived at the South African consulate. It was a nerve wrecking experience. She took forever to find out if one of the papers arrived. I didn't pay tuition and sacrifice my time just to hear that it's not there. I was getting my little rant ready, but she found it... Be still beating heart.

Now that I know I am writing six papers, I can start freaking out nicely.

So what I plan to do is; Firstly get a lot of caffeine in my system, the more the better, so I can stay awake when I have to read about all the Greek philosophers. 

Secondly I'm going to eat a whole bunch of candy. I will not only pass my exams, but pass with diabetes type II.

Thirdly, I will have to find someone who likes heated debates, as one of my subjects is the art of argumentation.(As a woman I thought that I excel at this, but it's always good to improve one's skills)

Last but not least, I am probably not going to sleep much, so godspeed to everyone around me!

Almost half a year, 6 weeks away from a quarter life crisis, donations are appreciated and I'm not setting foot out of this city

I've stayed in the same place for almost half a year. I'm settling down and it's a very confusing feeling. I use to think that traveling constantly would be the death of me and now I'm restless, because I can't remember what it feels like to not have to worry about where I'm going to live, how much I'm going to work and how I'm going to take all my shoes with me.

I'm restless because I can feel the winds of change. My life has become so different to what it was before I moved back to the city, I'm almost obsessing about it, I can't get over it. Life has become so much better it's bordering on surreal. I mentioned about a year ago that I am going to give up my comfort zone. Now that I'm slowly but surely getting into a comfort zone again, it seems to freak me out more than not having one. It just shows how easily we can adapt to situations when we want to.

I don't know if the feeling of restlessness and the need of change has got to do with a quarter life crisis which is about 6 weeks away... Ugh!
I don't know which scares me more, final exams, my birthday or the fact that I'm not going anywhere soon.

 It's that silly travel bug that bit me last year. I think I should save up for a trip to Asia and just explore as many countries there as possible (donations would be appreciated for my quarter life crisis fund)

Wait, I don't want to leave at all, what am I even thinking? NYC is my city...
If I want change, I can just go buy a pair of shoes.

PS. I'm serious about the shoes...

Busy, busy, busy...

Whoa, I'm so busy all of a sudden, sorry everyone who was expecting more posts from me, I'm currently very busy living...

I'm living the dream and I'm loving it. I'm on the runway again which is fantastic, I'm smiling when I walk in the streets and I'm listening to music again.

I finally have a heart again, I finally have a purpose that I could choose and I'm finally free.

Wish me good luck, my exams are around the corner...

Destiny, thoughts and happiness...

I don't follow my destiny, I make my destiny. The person that I am today has been shaped by the decisions that I have made and I will continue to change constantly to reach my potential. 

I have reached the point in my life right now that can seem confusing.  I have noticed that I can finally say that the world is my playground and mean it and that I can choose to do what I want and also choose to broaden my horizons. This is such an amazing feeling, knowing that I am once again the person that I was meant to be. 

I love knowing that I can meet a new person every day and connect with them on some level. I love knowing that every person that I meet and talk to somehow has an influence on my life. The more people I interact with, the more I learn and see the world from a broader perspective. 

Today it feels as if I won the happiness lottery. Everything that happens, happens for a reason and it all happened just so I can finally say, I am happy, I am  content, I am grateful, I am happy to be me. That was something that I could never say before, I was always searching for something else, something more, striving to be perfect.

I know now that being perfect isn't what matters, what matters is embracing the person that I am today and improving myself, not to be perfect, but to be better person.

A better person who loves more, cares more, discovers more and  gives more.

Can I really claim that this is a confusing time in my life?

That answer would be no, I am on a path of self discovery and I am loving it, I am shaping my destiny and my world one thought at a time...

I can be a tourist...

I went to the Empire State building!

I'm actually really afraid of heights and I dislike the cold, but the view was entirely worth it.
Plus knowing someone who can help you skip the four hour line is even better.

See, so I can be a tourist in Manhattan, but only if there are shortcuts...

Sunshine...

Within a week, my life has changed. So much so that I cannot even start to explain...

All that I do know is that everything happens for a reason, after tears there is joy and life is an amazing thing.
Some days I still want to cry, but not today. Today has been wonderful. I'm finally learning how to accept changes and how to live one day at a time.
This is probably the biggest lesson that life has taught me so far.

I am not the same person that I was a week ago and I'm okay with that. Life is unpredictable and people change constantly and change is probably one of the most painful things to go through, but it's also one of the best things to survive.

One step at a time, one sunrise at a time and a whole field of possibilities.

So bring on the sunshine, today is a new day!

Uh... It's suppose to be weekend?

I feel like banging my head against the keyboard, so much is happening at the moment, but nothing interesting enough to really write about. C'mon zombie apocalypse, where are you when a person needs some entertainment?

I have survived fashion week and market week, but I really have no idea if I will get through assignment week.  Writing a paper on a subject that only mildly interests me is worse than watching the Twilight Saga, standing in uncomfortable shoes the whole day and dealing with difficult clients all at the same time.

Needless to say, my weekend is going to be rather uneventful.
Here's to everyone else having a weekend!

Some days I just don't know...

What is beauty?  I would like to say beauty is unique. Then I watch a stupid reality TV program and everyone wants to have the same perfect body and no flaws and... They all look like barbies cast from the same mold in the end.

Other days I think that beauty is not even an external feature, but something more deep and lasting ( except those silicone implants, those things can even survive cremation, just so by the way) Any pretty girl with a horrid attitude will prove my point. 

Why am I even wondering what beauty is? Well the thing is, I don't always know. I don't know how I can determine what beauty is, when there are so many different perceptions.

I've seen so many women/girls, who are torn apart due to their physique.

Skinny girls are making their voices heard,by speaking up when someone says mean things about them, things they should not even have to tolerate.  (see my post making my skinny voice heard)  Actually the point that I'm trying to make is that people try to justify what pretty is NOT and they point fingers at individuals who don't deserve it. 

Now I would like to know: Does it make you feel pretty and beautiful when you point out someone's flaws and that which makes them so hideous? I don't understand the mean girls lifestyle. It doesn't make anyone happy. 

What about being happy? Isn't that part of being beautiful? Audrey Hepburn said that happy girls are the prettiest. Maybe the appeal lies within the happiness? (or rather being a well balanced individual, since no one wants to be with someone...who isn't)

And when balance is mentioned, apparently beauty is all about balance and proportions.

a balance between psychological factors and physical attractiveness, body proportions and the regularity of features. This is a mouthful, in other words, be nice, well groomed and live a healthy lifestyle.

I'm guessing that beauty is all about balance, but for me (excluding industry influences) beauty lies within the so called flaws and imperfections that make us who we are. 

I welcome my self back to my blog...and here's to 2012.

Sounds like bad stage directions, but there it is... I'm back...

My holiday in SA was awesome and now it's time to hit the books, the runways and studios to earn my keep...

New York decided to not welcome me back in the friendliest manner, the weather is miserable (or it could just be that I've set the SA standard and I'm now hoping that every day is a sunny one)

So the weather didn't give me a warm welcome, but the year is still young (and not the last one I hope)

Here's to a fabulous 2012!